Blame and Understanding

People often ask me if Francesco had shown any symptoms or signs prior to his heart attack. It’s the most difficult question I get, it conjures up all sorts of “if only” in my mind.

When your partner dies suddenly like that, you constantly wonder what YOU could or should have done differently.

People aren’t pointing fingers but suddenly you feel like pointing the gun at yourself.

It doesn’t make any logical sense but as a woman and a wife you somehow feel responsible.

Like you missed the vital signs.

Like it’s your fault he died.

I have to live with myself every day knowing that I didn’t receive his voice message for help until I got back to the house.

He’d requested Gaviscon, an indigestion remedy and something he’d been taking since I’d known him so it wasn’t unusual.

I was out picking up ricotta for his lunch, unknown to me the Wi-Fi on my new phone had switched off.

Francesco, no doubt had assumed the pain he was feeling in his chest was indigestion, he’d been on his bike that morning and apparently quit early complaining of a pain.

Could we have saved him?

Should I, the one closest to him, have known? How will we ever know….

It’s at times like this I am glad to understand how the mind works because if I didn’t, this type of questioning could easily lead me to my own death.

To know that we cannot control our thoughts but we can control what thoughts we pay attention to, helps release a lot of unhelpful thinking and blame.

That’s game-changing. Life-saving.

Gold.

❤️