Pity Parties

Dear Francesco,

I’ve been feeling low, so low.

Where did the feelings of love go?

I think about your light heart, your fun nature and I want it back.

Instead I’ve been feeling victim.

Having pity parties, even in public, tears streaming into my coffee for all the world to see.

Appetite lost, alcohol looking like the only relief.

In such moments it looks to me like I need to get away.

Be alone.

But in truth, the thought of that is worse.

Who wants to hang out more with a mind like this?

My old habit was to exit the scene.

When I didn’t feel good I’d run or look for a better way of being.

I ran all over the world at one stage.

Innocent, I know.

You tolerated such madness.

That madness is rising once again.

Thank You for being patient through my ups and downs, for letting me take off so often like you did.

For saying to me after yet another flee….

“Babe, I understand if you have to leave sometimes but I want you to know I’ll always be here for you when you come back.”

Something about those words stopped me in my tracks.

Put an end to my madness and the common misperception that my bad feeling was coming from our relationship.

Your compassion to let me make mistakes (and boy did I make them) brought me up into a higher version of myself.

A version where I felt safe and didn’t need to run away anymore.

You were always my better conscience and not just mine.

Now as I feel low, I’m less tempted to follow the thought that I need to flee and go.

I see that it’s my insecure mind playing games once more and I hear your soothing voice in our meditations together saying, “Baby I’m still here.” 💗