Trust the Voice Inside
Buon Ferragosto. Here in Italy we celebrate the Assumption of Mary, her rebirth and ascension into heaven.
It is hard to believe my own rebirth in the last year since this photo was taken.
I was in Lake Como celebrating Ferragosto with my American friend, Sevi.
I was feeling okay but mostly worn out.
Sevi seemed to have so much vibrancy about her.
Getting up and working out.
Life and soul of the party.
So confident in front of the camera.
She invited me to this beautiful event and I’m so glad I went.
When I look back, I see that I was wanting to feel better, happier, like Sevi...but I wasn’t there yet.
I was craving change, wanting my confidence back, to have the grief finally lift and the joy to come back.
All very Self centered, but I hadn’t been myself.
In the aftermath of my partner's death I seemed to take on a lot of responsibility.
I couldn’t hear what Grace wanted or needed as I often got lost worrying about what people might think.
A year on and I’m a different person now, experiencing a new dawn.
As I reflect on the changes, I see that my inner yearning in Lake Como to be happier, stronger, lighter was enough to pave the way.
I needed to be patient.
This year I made many incremental changes that have led to this kind of rebirth, this ascension to True Self, feeling lighter, better, healthier.
A lot of it started with trusting the voice inside.
I started to notice the feeling I was in with people and situations and I stopped making myself wrong and began pulling back where the feeling was uncomfortable.
I’d been saying “yes” on autopilot to a lot of things.
Feeling very responsible for the wellbeing of others.
Worrying what others might say if I didn’t go along.
Can you relate to that?
This was perhaps all part of my own personal grief journey.
You see, with Francesco I usually did what he wanted us to do and I trusted him more deeply than my voice inside.
In many ways I deferred my wisdom to instead follow his.
In the last three years I’ve had to connect and reconnect and deeply trust my own wisdom.
Most recently I heard my wisdom say “no” to something I was expected to attend, I was planning to attend, and for the first time, however scary it felt, I trusted and removed myself.
I can’t tell you the flood of wellbeing that came over me and continues to emerge, the level of vitality, as I stop doing what’s expected and follow the guidance from within that comes in the moment.
The other thing that really helped me was to stop using my memory of our relationship to hurt myself.
Instead of seeing all the ways I got it wrong as Fran’s girlfriend, I simply noticed that regret and looked towards how I got it right.
I didn’t know we could use our memories to hurt ourselves or to help ourselves, but wisdom brought me that and it’s been soothing me ever since.
During the year I went to Assisi and prayed for guidance about my health and about a financial investment.
On my return, St. Francis of Assisi blessed me with absolute clarity on both.
As I wake up today a year on from this picture, I’m a gently different Grace.
I now have my own daily routine which feels effortless.
I’ve found the best way to eat to support my body, contrary to all that I had once learned.
I hear that voice of wisdom more easily and finally act on it without question or judgement.
Life is feeling lighter, lovelier, healthier and richer.
And when I want to be somewhere I’ll go, not because I’m expected to but because it’s what Grace wants to do.
I hope this is helpful to anyone reading, especially those of you in the throes of grief or facing adversity.
It can be so easy to lose ourselves at those times, insecurity rises and for a lot of us we may be too much in the habit of “what others need” and not respecting our own wellbeing.
Let this post remind you to take care of you.
Be patient with where you are right now.
The desire for change IS enough.
Make time to be still and connect with the voice of wisdom within.
It will steer you right.
Happy Ferragosto and here’s to your rebirth.
🩷