Saving Grace

Last night I got angry with Francesco for leaving.

I hadn’t realised how much I’d pinned my feelings of well-being on being with him.

An innocent rule we make up when in relationship but never a good idea.

As my dog woke me for the third night in a row wanting out, I took him to the field nearby at 4:30 am.

A few minutes later Fran’s Dad arrived by car, not trusting we’d be safe, he’d come to rescue us.

I lost my temper big time.

“Who’s goin’ come save me when I’m finally doing all this alone?”

Like a stubborn teenager I refused to get into his car.

Firm in my conviction that I must learn to walk my path without help.

As I returned to my in-laws’ house and to sleep I dreamed about losing control of the steering wheel in my car, a lorry was approaching me and instead of swerving to miss it, I simply gave up, didn’t care if I went under.

I hate these pity parties I fall into since he died.

They tend to happen when my mind is low and tired.

Fran would hate them too, neither of us played the victim in our relationship which is likely why we did so well.

Interestingly, in the dream my car moved out of the way automatically and I got by the lorry without a scratch.

Me and the dogs totally safe.

I wonder if life was just reminding me she’s got my back and that as I let go of the steering wheel she’ll be sure to save me.

You see in the end we’re never really alone.

In the end the same intelligence that’s beating our heart right now is finding a way to soothe our soul & bring us home.

Hope this helps you today. 💗