Hot Mess

Today my Mummy returned to Ireland.

I’ve been lying on the beach trying to recalibrate.

Whilst we had a lovely time with her finally being able to visit me in Italy, it was also filled with emotion.

Me not knowing when I’ll see her again and her knowing she’s unlikely to see our dog, who now has a tumour, ever again.

She gave me wise advice like only a mother can, reminding me constantly of who I am.

Simple things we did moved me to a place of hope & well-being.

Things I’d given up on caring about since Francesco died.

“Let’s get the car washed, Grace.”

“Let’s see you in that dress.”

Like her little girl again, I did as I was told and I felt better for it.

Many times we simply sat in silence watching the world go by.

In the silence I confronted my fears.

In her wisdom I realised there’s nothing to fear.

That life will eventually take on new meaning.

Patience is what’s needed now.

I forget that as today I lie on the lounger surrounded by the sea, tears falling hard from beneath my sunglasses.

I don’t care.

I can’t hold them back.

I’m a hot mess.

Crying from exhaustion, from the fact Fran’s not here and not coming back, crying that I already miss my mum and wonder when I’ll see her again.

In the deepest regions of my pain, I close down, need to retreat and be alone.

Maybe that’s not healthy but it’s where I’m at.

The sea and writing bears witness to my pain and in doing so brings relief and healing.

Sending love to all of you facing and experiencing deep loss or feeling displaced right now. 💖

I hope you find what will soothe your soul.